


A Broken Hallelujah

by parvusprinceps



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Military, Archaeologist!Castiel, College Student!Castiel, F/M, Good Parent John Winchester, M/M, Multiple Points of View, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Build, Soldier!Dean, bisexual!dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2014-10-13
Packaged: 2018-02-21 02:11:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2450837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parvusprinceps/pseuds/parvusprinceps
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The year is 2009, and Dean doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. He finally decides on enlisting in the Army and is deployed to Afghanistan, but he leaves a broken relationship with Castiel, a struggling college student. Through a series of coincidences and accidents, Dean and Castiel find each other and struggle to reconcile their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Broken Hallelujah

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to provide some links to help with some of the jargon! Hope you like the story!

_"You don't have to do this, Dean. We can make this work," Castiel pleaded, trying to prevent Dean from packing his duffle bag._

_"Can we? I'm going to be thousands of miles away. How do you think we're gonna 'make that work'," Dean spat back._

_"Long distance is possible. I know we can do it."_

_"And what if I don't come back, Cas? What then?"_

_"Don't talk like that..." Cas whispered, sadness and desperation heavy in his voice._

_"Well, we can't just ignore it," Dean yelled, methodically packing like they taught him in basic training. "I'm not putting you through that."_

_"But, I love you."_

 

 

Dean woke with a start, falling off his cot. Same damn dream, different night. It was in the early hours of the morning like this where Dean wondered if he made the right decision.

"You okay, Winchester?" Benny asked. The question was rehearsed. His tone was flat, and after several repetitions over the past six months, there was no genuine concern anymore.

"You don't always have to ask," Dean grumbled.

"Yes, I do." Benny stated, rolling over and snoring.

Dean and Benny went through basic together, and there was an unspoken bond between them - brotherhood. No matter how many times he woke from a nightmare, he knew Benny would ask if he was okay and vice versa, but his friend didn't need it. Benny had his life together. A girl back home in Louisiana, confidence that he'd see her again...everything Dean wished he had.

He shook the self-pity from his mind, _no use crying about it_. He crawled back into his cot and tried to sleep.

As Dean started to doze off, "[Reveille](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGnZxcS7VKA)" rang throughout the barracks and Benny stood up immediately, changing into his PT clothes.   

"Let's go, Winchester." Benny shoved him off his bed. 

"You think Sergeant will notice if I'm not there?" Dean whined, reluctantly putting on his standard-issue black athletic shorts and gray shirt, "Army" in bold, black letters across the front.

"Sure," Benny laughed. "I'll ask you that question after you throw up your own stomach from the extra running he'd make you do."

Dean barked a laugh and secured his reflective belt. The pair ran out to the training facility where they received their workout.

"Tired, Winchester?" his sergeant asked, running next to him. 

"Long night, Fitzgerald." Dean grinned. 

"That's  _Sergeant_ Fitzgerald, private!" Garth barked with a feigned sincerity that only Dean knew. He had to keep a tough face on for his other subordinates.

"That's Private First Class, sergeant." Dean joked back.

"PFC, eh?" Garth waggled his eyebrows. "Congrats. Now, fall back into formation!"

Dean slowed his paced and found his spot next to Benny, "Can't believe they let him be in charge of platoon."

"I can't believe you know him," Benny spoke, a small hint of envy on his tongue.

Dean could only grin. He and Garth went _way_ back to elementary school. As they grew up, Dean got taller and stronger while Garth got taller and... skinner. Everyone was surprised when he decided to go into the Army right after high school. Looking back, Dean wished he had done the same thing. He would be a [NCO](http://www.military-ranks.org/army), and he wouldn't have met Cas, making this deployment easier. Instead, he's an [E3](http://www.defense.gov/about/insignias/enlisted.aspx), heartbroken, and living in constant fear of having to fight on the front lines.

He would never admit to being afraid though. He would like to think that he could could Death in the face and win, but that was only a dream, a slowly fading hope. Above all, Dean wanted to be confident in just one decision. College was a bust. He lost the fire at the end of his sophomore year. He scraped bu with D's, and he hated every second he was in class.

John, Dean's father, reminded him that the Army was always an option, and Dean took it, not even thinking of his life he had created with Castiel. It was a great offer, but Cas wasn't on board, at least not at first. Ironically enough, it was when Cas accepted his decision that Dean began to doubt everything. When Castiel started planning their future, Dean's "fight or flight" instincts  kicked in, and flight always seemed to win. 

"So, who's Cas?" Benny prodded as he and Dean took a seat at their usual table in the chow hall

"What?" Dean spat out his water and nearly spilled his food. 

"You were practically screaming her name last night... and not in the sexy way," Benny laughed.

Dean hadn't told Benny about Castiel. He abided strictly by the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, and his best friend hadn't asked.

"Uh, ex-girlfriend," Dean struggled. "Didn't end well."

He wasn't completely lying. Dean had a girlfriend named Cassie...freshman year...of high school. He had always known he was interested in men but never acted on his feelings. Kansas wasn't exactly receptive of bisexuality, so he settled with subtly checking our the football players while actually dating the cheerleaders. It was enough until he met Castiel. 

"Sorry to hear that. Not over her yet?" Benny asked cautiously, not wanting to overstep any of Dean's ever-changing boundaries.

"I don't know if I ever will be." 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 _Okay_ , Castiel thought to himself. _Let's go through this list one more time._

He began to check off items in the air, getting incredibly frustrated when he forgot something.

"You need to calm down, Castiel," Balthazar laughed and began massaging Cas's shoulders.

"Everything needs to be perfect. I'm luck that I even get to go."

It was Castiel's senior year at the University of Kansas, and all he had to focus on was his senior research project. Unfortunately, Cas's ambition combined with his archaeology degree, he found himself hell-bent on exploring the ruins of Pre-Islamic Afghanistan. The Buddhist and Hindu influence fascinated him, and no one had furthered the research in years. However, because of the tensions between the USA and Afghanistan, Castiel nearly wasn't able to go. It was only after a petition, a professionally organized presentation, and exuberant amounts of begging that he was able to sway the board of directors.

"But you go it because you're brilliant," Balthazar kissed his cheek.

Cas's body always reacted strangely to Balthazar's affection. His touch made Castiel's skin tingle and ignited some kind of electricity that made him alive. That feeling, however, faded and was replaced with a sickly feeling. It wasn't Dean's touch. A touch that Cas hated to admit that he needed.

He hated Dean, or at least he wanted to hate him. He just left. No warning, no reason, just decided one day that he was done. Castiel had lost a lot of sleep trying to figure out why. What had he done to wrong? Cas had no choice but to let the wound fester. Dean wouldn't tell him anything. He had tried to get information, but Dean wouldn't even tell him where they were sending him. No letters. No Skype. Nothing. He was completely cut off. 

Castiel was weak and vulnerable, and Balthazar was there, a support he desperately needed. Alcohol and sadness led to a cocktail of bad decisions, one being a drunken one night stand with Balthazar. Guilt wracked him and lead to an unintentional relationship. Cas loved him, he did, but he wasn't Dean, and that's the only person he wanted. Balthazar was great and so was the relationship. It picked Cas up off of his feet, but a piece will always be missing, a piece that Balthazar could never fill no matter how hard he tried.

"You coming over tonight?" Balthazar called before he left Cas's apartment to go to class.

"Uh," Cas's stomach churned. "No, I have a lot to work on."

Balthazar sighed, but he was used to that response.

Upon hearing the door shut, Castiel's frayed edges gave way as he curled up on his bed, sobbing. The room shrank and began to spin. He would have ended things with Balthazar if it wasn't the only thing holding him together. Cas was so dependent on everyone but himself, and he was too weak and tired to give a damn.

He heard his own screams echo through his small apartment as he felt his organs clench together. He struggled to breathe, gasping between wails. The acid began to bubble in his stomach, his systems rebelling against the flood of emotions. 

All too familiar with the feeling, Cas stumbled to the bathroom, finding the indentions in the mat around the toilet. He emptied his stomach into the porcelain bowl, dry heaving until body nearly went limp. Cas struggled to stand, using the toilet and shower as supports. 

He examined the hallowed mask before him. Dark shadows encircled his eyes, and depression had aged him at least 10 years. Cas's face had sank in, hallows appearing where his cheeks were supposed to be. He splashed water in his face, hoping to wash it all away. However, he only became more aware of it but couldn't find the energy to care.

"Get it together, Castiel," he whispered and let the words hang in the air. He didn't know what saying it out loud would do; it just made him feel worse.

After brushing his teeth, he slumped back to his room and sat at his desk. He poured himself into his research. Afghanistan was only a week away, and that was the only thing that kept him going. 


End file.
